Sunday 15th September was the day I was to be admitted to Psychiatric ward, though at the time I didn’t know this.
I forced myself out of bed early that day despite having no sleep. This had become somewhat routine for me, even if I had slept or not. But that particular night I just lay there, in the dark, thinking of the ways I could put an end to my life and actually be successful if I planned it out properly, with zero mistakes.
You see, I had already set a plan in motion several days earlier where I would take high doses of paracetamol each day till my body could take no more. I had already began taking 18 a day over a 4 day period and this already felt like a complete failure to me, but I continued on this day to. On top of the paracetamol, I also took high doses of Tramadol, usually around 14 tablets all in one go. I guess my messed up way of thinking thought that I could give myself a slow and painful death, but the only thing I felt physically was nauseous and a nasty taste of paracetamol in my throat that would not shift.
Nothing felt real to me today, everything around just didn’t feel like it belonged, or it was misplaced somehow. Even walking to the bus stop when I set off for my home treatment team appointment, it was all just surreal. The trees, the cars, the people, nothing felt like it was supposed to be, but I headed on to my appointment regardless as deep down I knew I was dissociating.
It was an uneasy journey to say the least.
During my appointment I was surprised to see a nurse I used to be under walk into the room. He greeted me and we sat down and then I started going over everything what was happening lately. My flashbacks, losing my kids, my current deteriorating mood, my recent suicide attempts and how I was feeling that particular day.
I was there for about an hour when I started having intense flashbacks, finding myself back in the past. All my thoughts and emotions had centred on this event and it was one of the strongest I have had in a while. I felt like time itself had stopped.
After coming out of this flashback I was a wreck, I was shaking and I had tears flowing down my face. My jeans where wet from the constant flow of tears and I was biting my hand so hard to point it bore teeth marks and bruised. I could hear the nurse talking to me but I couldn’t make any sense of it at first, and then just like someone had slapped me across the face I was back with it.
My nurse was asking me what was going on and I couldn’t speak, I was just a wreck, a total wreck. He said I kept tensing up and he could see I was in distress but I wouldn’t respond to anything he tried. He asked me if I had a flashback to which I just nodded, he asked if I wanted to talk about it but I just shook my head. He asked if I wanted to go outside for a smoke and I agreed.
While sat on the wall outside, he continued to try and get me to engage in a conversation but I was just frozen. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even look at him. All that was going through my head now was a plan to end my life, and I was going to do this after the appointment finished without even going home.
Another hour had elapsed and I was still frozen. The nurse tried and tried again to get me to speak but I couldn’t. He asked if I went home now and came back to another appointment tomorrow would I be able to keep myself safe. To hearing this I just broke down as I knew what I was planning to do, and I knew there would be no coming back from it.
He took me back inside and asked if I would like to see a doctor so I said yes. I was desperate for any kind of help right now.
I opened up to the doctor and nurse about my plans from leaving the appointment and she said she would like me to come into hospital. She asked if I would be ok with this, to which I shook my head. She said that what I had told her had raised red flags and she cannot allow me to go home. She said she will give me a few minutes to think about it, and left the room.
After what seemed like a lifetime she came back in and asked if I had thought about it, and again I froze up. She continued to try and get me to speak over the next half hour till eventually I nodded to agree I would go in.
I’m going to leave it there for now guys as in finding quite triggering writing about this.
I will post another update soon.
Take care, Much love x