The Shame Of Guilt… The Guilt Of Shame… By Stephen Gillatt.
I cannot bear this. Cannot stand it…
I’m sorry, please don’t continue if you think you’ll be affected by triggers…
Makes me want to tear my hair out… My head is fucking pounding. It’s racing, pulsing. I want to shred the skin on my arms… I’m so uncomfortable… Like I have insects crawling all over me. My skin doesn’t fit. My life doesn’t fit. I don’t fit.
Most of the time the fact I don’t fit doesn’t bother me. But on days like today. When my rage, anxiety and guilt is through the roof. When I can’t sit still. When I want to eat, but loath my weight, my appearance, my everything. It does. It all does.
When food tastes like failure, when my reflection in the mirror looks like a birth that yielded nothing. That forty years of oxygen has been wasted. And the by-product of carbon dioxide, is the only trace of any tangible contribution. And not a good one either.
I feel angry, dirty, cornered. By my lack of talent, society, mental illness… By myself.
My mind is still spooling. I need to pour coolant on it. But I don’t want to. I can’t. I don’t know what is going on. I’m out of control. It’s scary. I don’t know how long it will be until I can bring myself back.
You don’t want to be here. If you’ve been here before. You’ll now that. If you haven’t. Count yourself lucky. I’m currently vile to be around. It’s horrible. And I hate myself. I don’t deserve to have any family or friends.
It’s not all of me though. It’s some of me. It’s the worst of me. But not all of me.
And I’m prepared to fight. We all are. We must
We cannot let this win…
But when you’re struggling it’s hard to care. About your life. Yourself… Tomorrow…
I’m guilty. That I’m not working. Not contributing. Stagnating. Bringing people down. Being a burden. Wasting my time. Wasting the time of people around me. Draining their emotional energy and finances. Invading their space. Being in one-way relationships. Receiving, never giving. Being that person. A leech.
I’m anxious that things won’t change. That people around me will get pissed off with me. Will leave me. Will give me what I deserve – nothing.
I’m angry that I’m such a fuck-up. That I’m weak. That I’m useless.
I’m hot and twitching. Shaking. My toes are crunching.
Days like this are common. Feelings like this are common. Struggles like this are common.
Reaching out is hard. But we must do it.
Even if you’re crying inside. Like I am. So often. Now.
This is the stream in my head. Why the flow is so fast. The words are so blunt. The emotion so raw.
I hate my head.
I can’t handle it…. Sometimes paper is the only thing that can. So, I write.
But yesterday I was high, I was up. I was positive. I could see opportunity and blue sky. It was nice. I felt like people cared about me. That I meant something. That I had worth, value. So, it’s not all bad. I felt confident. That I contributed.
Today I just want to sob. I just wished that I had some balance. That the anguish and dips were not so extreme, and frequent. It’s not something new. And we all have coping mechanisms.
But it’s so frustrating. I feel that it’s stifling what little potential and talent I have. So much of the time I feel like a total failure. Incapable of contributing to anything. That when I leave this mortal coil, the only traces, the only memories I’ll leave behind, are those of someone who never did anything. Was born, existed and died.
Because I know there’s something there. That I do have something to offer. And there are so many people experiencing similar feeling and emotions. We all have self-doubt. We all feel guilt and shame. Worthlessness. We can hate ourselves. Some people more than others. But the pain is the same.
But look, we have to visualise our true selves when we can. We must fight to keep the link to that person, that amazing person, intact…
We can achieve, inspire, create, provide and contribute.
We can delight people.
We can succeed.
Tomorrow I hope will be a better day. For me. For you. For us. For everyone.