The Past

Growing Up – (tw)

As a child, from as far back as I can remember, I knew that I was different. I didn’t seem to fit in with the “norm” of what every other child did at that time. I grew up in a time where all the kids played outside in the streets. Playing football in the local park, or exploring the surroundings like they where in some strange fantasy land from their favourite bedtime story. For me, I was more of an onlooker, hanging back in the shadows and avoiding the local bullies who patrolled the streets better than any modern day police force could ever possibly achieve.

I was 8 years old when my parents decided to move house, and a totally new area as well. At this time I used to spend a lot of time outdoors, mostly with my younger brother as I had no friends. Though we often clashed at the time, we did seem to do everything together. There was this one time (out of many) that we where playing in the local park, when another boy entered with the fiercest dog I had ever seen. It was a Rottweiler, and both me and my brother scarpered to the top of the slide as this boy let it off the lead to roam. We both stood, staring at this dog, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t come anywhere near us.

After what seemed like hours (probably only 5 minutes) this beast of a dog noticed us and began to run around the slide at an alarming rate, looking for a way up to us. At this point, the boy who brought the dog approached and my brother struck up a conversation. Of course it was about this beast of a dog which actually turned out to be quite a soft touch with new people. This beasts owner is called Joe, who happens to live just down the road and of course both me and my brother where invited back to his (he did like to make friends). I was nervous of course as Joe was a few years older than myself, but we went along anyway.

Over the course of the next few months, both me and my brother became good friends with Joe. Often visiting each day, we would go out having fun, exploring different areas and causing mischief as we went along. We would walk out for miles and miles, down the canal tow paths, through cemetery’s and schools, town centres and even right out into the countryside. It seemed like the 3 of us had become inseparable, apart from the odd time when we were grounded due to our bad behaviour at times.

For the first time in months I had to go to Joes place alone as my brother was ill. I was comfortable doing this as I had known him now for what seemed like a lifetime. He lived with his grandparents as his mother had died not long after he was born, and his father was an alcoholic who preferred to spend all his time and money down the local. Joe pretty much had the run of the place, especially seeing as his grandparents where old and didn’t get about much.

Knocking on his door I waited patiently for him to answer. All the time wondering what kind of wild adventure we would be off on today. But to my surprise, I was invited in to go play on his new computer that his dad had brought him that morning. This was the first time that I would step foot into his bedroom. The place where he pretty much lived away from the rest of his family. His new computer took tape cassettes, and I remember getting quite bored waiting for a game to load as you had to literally let the whole tape run its course before the game was ready to play. I think Joe could see that I was getting bored as his next move left me quite surprised. Initially I was sitting on the edge of his double bed watching the screen, and the next thing I know I was forced back and he was on top of me and I could not move.

I honestly felt paralysed, its the only way I can describe it. I just couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. It was almost like I knew what was happening but I was confused. As he pushed his groin into me and began moving it back and forth, I began seeing flashes, images, from when I lived at my previous address. This seemed to intensify with each and every stroke. I could see my uncle and this made the fear that I was feeling all that more intense. At the time I wasn’t sure why I was seeing those images, but it was the start of something that would be with me for the rest of my life.

This particular incident at Joes was the first of many more to come. But it was something I had experienced before, at a younger age, by my uncle, that would have the biggest impact on my life. Though it wasn’t until many years later that I fully understood what that was. But somehow my mind had locked it away and buried it so deep, out of reach. So for a long time I had nothing but confusion as to what those flashes where that I had experienced.

I really want to go on but I am really tired now and my mind is closing off. I will try and post another update tomorrow if I get the chance. But this is just the beginning of the abuse I experienced as a child.


3 replies »

  1. WOW! Your childhood sounds a lot like mine. I, too, developed BPD when I was young – I was three years old. I used to cry the night before & the morning of school days from pre-school till sixth grade. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to go to school – it was because I didn’t want to be separated from my mom. Talk about fear of abandonment! I also was the odd one out. I wasn’t like the rest of my peers. My teachers noticed this & would call my parents for a parent-teacher conference numerous times to discuss my behavior, but I was doing well academically, so my mom told them to shut it & cut it out & stop with the frequent parent-teacher conferences because I’m not a threat to anyone & that although I don’t behave like the rest of my peers, that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of learning & keeping up with my peers.

    Liked by 1 person

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